Another Attempt at CyberSanity

Jesus I hate the internet! Isn't that the way with all true vices, though? You rely on them and fall back on them and consume great amounts of comfort and satisfaction from them. And then, just under the surface, you truly, truly hate them and wish that they had never entered your lives. Why do we feel so much like we need or desire these things that cause us so much grief? This, in essence, is my relationship with the internet.

I feel like I've recently conquered a similar situation as this with cigarettes... those fuckers! I started smoking to impress grrrls and generally look cool in the fall of 1994. I continued to smoke them happily and with little-to-no negative relationship with them whatsoever for a little over 10 years. I distinctly remember making a conscious decision that I was going to quit smoking on my 25th birthday because it just sounded like the right thing to do. 25 sounded like a round number and I had recently decided that I didn't want to smoke for the rest of my life.

I woke up that birthday morning in a frenzied state. I had gotten myself so worked up about the idea of quitting that I literally woke up in a panic attack. I couldn't breath right and I felt really dizzy. I dragged my sorry ass from my bed to the couch, curled up into a ball, and gently started crying. I realized that I was so powerless against the physical and mental strain that was consuming me. I derived no more pleasure from smoking anymore, why did I feel like I needed it. It had become so expensive and I was getting nothing back on my investment. That feeling of unfulfilled powerlessness was a new feeling for me and it gave me a rather bitter and putrid taste in my mouth. It was in that very moment that I began to deeply hate cigarettes. The romance was over immediately and the battle instantly began.

This very noble and valiant endeavor lasted all of about a week or so and then failed miserably!

That was five years ago....

The last time I smoked was sharing a cigarette with my beautiful lover outside O'Hare airport 5 weeks ago. We were on our way back to Portland after visiting home for a wedding and to see some family and friends. I smoked a lot on that trip. I knew I would. But I swear every cigarette I smoked came with a sense of disbelief and disdain. The last one I smoked before the trip home, though, was about a month prior. I don't know if I'll ever really win, but I'm close.

This damn cyber-box, on the other hand, is a little different. There's no emotion involved. I used to actively love cigarettes. I used to shout it from the rooftops for all to hear and spit (sometimes, in my youth, literally) in the faces of anyone who even gave me the slightest sneer. I was defending her.

I don't defend the internet. I mock it and make fun of it and berate it and rant on and on about how it's destroying the very fabric of what humanity is supposed to be... and yet every single day I can be found right here staring into the glow. It's sucking my soul...

.....sooooo anyway, I'm on blogspot now...

fancy that, this Hater Duck giving in to more interwebby devices for the sake of his own sanity. Desperately trying to claw his way out of his creative hole by writing as much as possible about as much as possible.

The internet as therapy... now there's an idea. I need to market that shit!